Sigh. I have actually experienced something new for me. I have always felt that I would rather never experience good things at all, if I were just going to lose that experience in the end. What I mean is: nusing P. was extremely difficult for the first 8 months. I mean, excruciatingly painful. I was counting down each day until he reaches 1 year, when I planned on stopping. However the last 2 months of nursing have been so wonderful. It's been really great to bond with P. pain-free, and so easy. When I found out this week that I would have to stop nursing him, I sat in the car and cried. At first I was mad that things had gotten better nursing-wise, because this would be so much easier for me to handle if it never got better. But for the first time in my life I realized that I would rather have experienced those 2 wonderful months with him, than to have never experienced them at all, even if it means sadness now. I feel very priveleged to have been able to have this good time with him, and very fortunate to have been able to nurse my beautiful children at all. I didn't think I'd ever miss it, but now that it's all over (since P. is our last child) I feel like I'm in mourning. I was just saying to A. the other day that nursing was so great for me now, that I didn't want to stop right when he turned 1 (which is a big deal for me to say). Maybe I would've been able to handle this better if I had realized that I would have to stop right now. I never got to appreciate my last time snuggling with him in the mother's lounge at church on Sunday. By this Sunday it will be all over. Well, I was given 3 weeks, but that would be to hard for P.. It's better to do it quickly and end this soon. That first night of giving him formula broke my heart. He screamed and yelled and I knew exactly what he wanted. I wanted to scream and yell too. Then the sense of relief and heartbreak when he finally accepted it was overwhelming.
Sorry for being too melodramatic. It's just that I feel that this came up suddenly, and I don't like changes. I need this closure especially because this is the last of an era for me. Well, it's been great. I'm really proud of myself for sticking through with it all, even during the hard times. For all you women who haven't had the option of nursing a baby yet, please do it if you can. It's so worth it.
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2 comments:
oh wow. I'm sorry :(
but I'm glad you did get a break from the pain. and you made it for so long, what a huge gift! and you *do* mourn. Em weaned suddenly and against my plans at 7 months old and it was hard to mentally adjust to.
actually, baby M has severely cut back in nursing lately (my nudging). He nurses just twice a dya now, both at night, and had food and water the rest of the time. I bring that up mostly in case you hate bottles and formula, so you know it's optional at this age. I find them inconvenient and expensive so it was a personal priority to just skip that step. anyways. the big cutting back in nursing took only a few days and was accomplished by keeping a constant stream of food going his way.
If it's a medication thing, this link is really good for looking up drug safety, though again, I'm sure if that's the case you've surely already researched and considered plenty. take care!
Hey Rachel. I empathize 100% with this post. I am sorry for your loss and understand, to some degree, how you feel. It's funny, cause I just barely posted about my nursing saga too. Great Mom's think alike! The post is titled "The Roller Coaster of Nursing 2" if you want to read it.
I'm glad that you and P. are doing better though. Thanks for sharing!
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